Name: Teddy bears.
Age: 124 years old.
Appearance: Vastly out of your price range.
Well, that can’t be. I just looked online, and you can pick up a teddy for a couple of quid. Get some sense, would you? I’m not talking about the flimsy bulk-produced abominations you let your kids play with. I’m talking about quality teddies.
What’s the difference? First, these teddies don’t have eyes that will pop out and choke you. But in purely financial terms, the difference is about three and a half grand.
For a toy? Oh yes. That’s what Louis Vuitton’s Doudou Vivienne XL retails for, anyway.
That’s berserk. Does it cook your dinner for you? No, but according to the Times, it has leather on the soles of its feet, so that’s something.
What a bizarre one-off this must be. Oh no, there is also the Louis Vuitton Collectible Damoflage, made from a fabric created by Pharrell Williams. But that one is admittedly slightly different.
Is it? Yes, because it costs nearly £1,000 more.
Wait, is this some insane luxury trend I don’t know about? No, of course there are plenty of designer teddies that are much more affordable.
Phew. For example, there’s a Kaws bear that’s a snip at £844. Or if you’re really slumming it, you can pick up a giant Jellycat rabbit for the low, low price of £750.
The world has gone mad. In fact, Hamleys toyshop is about to release a limited range of bears that have each been dressed by a Savile Row tailor. All 10 bears are going to be auctioned (some in support of children’s charities), so no price has been revealed yet.
What in the Jacob Rees-Mogg is this? They’ve been made to mark Hamleys’ 266th anniversary.
Oh yes, the big two six six. But surely children would be too scared to play with something that costs so much. What are you talking about? These aren’t for children. That’s the most preposterous thing I’ve ever heard. No, these are for adults only.
OK, this just got creepy. Don’t be silly. There are plenty of adults who collect teddy bears. Maybe they have a fascination with the form as it was originally developed by German toy designer Richard Steiff. Or perhaps they have a lingering fondness for the comfort of childhood, and this has manifested in a large and fastidiously maintained teddy bear collection. You know, like …
Don’t say it … Like the former prince Andrew. Oh wait, I see it now. Yes, super creepy, sorry.
Do say: “Please look after this bear.”
Don’t say: “Because it is genuinely worth more than your life.”
